What you Desire most
by StrangeBlueThings
Summary: Clary Fray is a Shapeshifter. Well, sort of. When someone touches her bare skin, she changes into whomever the person most desires. So after Jace saves her from death she learns how it feels to be loved. But there are others who want her and her powers.
1. Chapter 1

**This is my first story so enjoy... or not :)**

**Disclaimer: The characters belong to Cassandra Clare, author of The Mortal Instrument and Infernal Devices series.**

_**Chapter 1.**_

_I was walking down a long dark corridor. _

_It always began like this. _

_There were no windows, therefore no light except the little candle I was holding between my hands._

_With every step I took the strange feeling in my stomach screamed at me not to go further but I couldn't stop 'till I stood in front of a door. It was black, like everything else here and as I grabbed the doorknob my hand began to freeze, coldness shooting up my naked arms. I opened the door with a creak and stepped into the pitch black room._

_The only light illuminated thing was a huge, gold framed mirror. Silence hung thick in the air, nearly crushing my lungs as I went to stand in front of it. I wore a white dress, only stopping midtigh and no shoes, not my usual long sleeved shirts and jeans to cover most of my skin from being touched. My red locks looked tousled like always and my green eyes were rimmed with red as if I've been crying. _

_I took a step forward to touch the smooth surface of the mirror, but as I was an inch away, my fingers already feeling the coldness radiating off the glass, I blinked and suddenly my reflection began to . . . change. _

_When I was younger I once fell off the swing, landing hard on my back. I couldn't breathe for what felt like hours, even though it only were about one and a half minutes._

_That's what I felt like now. Only a hundred times worse. _

_I couldn't breathe, couldn't move. I couldn't even see straight anymore as I felt my bones break and mend together again in different places. My heart beat unnaturally fast, pumping blood so hard through my veins that I could practically feel where it went. I just couldn't contain the scream making it's way out of my throat, and why should've I ? Nobody was here. I was alone in all this._

_I felt my whole body getting heavier, forcing me to my knees as they gave out under the pressure._

_Finally the pain became less, until it disappeared completely, leaving me exhausted and barley conscious on the floor. _

_I Painfully lifted my head to look into the mirror again and gasped at what I saw, tears springing to "my" eyes. _

_The girl I changed into was gorgeous. "I" had brown, long and wavy hair now, nearly reaching down to "my" hips, creamy skin and a couple of inches taller than my usually small form. The only thing you could make out it was still me were the eyes. They still had the piercing green colour, now wet as silent tears streamed down "my" face. _

_Suddenly a hand came down onto my shoulder, squeezing it gently, as if to reassure me that everything was going to be okay. It belonged to a boy, so beautiful I closed my eyes for a moment._

_He was all golden, as if he'd fallen from heaven to show the world what the word "beautiful" really meant. _

_Three things happened all at once then. _

_First, to my relief, I changed back into myself without pain._

_Second, the boy behind me disappeared with a sad smile on his angelic face._

_And third, pain exploded in my stomach, the wound that appeared out of nowhere instantly bleeding, leaving me screaming in pain until everything went dark._

~o0O0o~

I woke up to double over in bed, clutching my stomach as the phantom pain radiated through me for a second until it slowly subsided. I fell back in my bed with a huff, reading the time on my alarm clock.

5: 23p.m. The perfect time to stand up on a Saturday.

"Damn nightmares" I muttered and went to stand in front of the mirror, sighing at the blood that covered my body. Again.

I had those dreams since I was a little kid but it's been only two weeks ago that I began to really bleed in my sleep. I even had a huge ragged scar on my stomach. It literally made me crazy. I was tired to death, purple bruises forming beneath my eyes from the nights I tried to stay awake for as long as I could hold my heavy eyes open. I ran a hand over my face, wiping the sweat from my forehead as I made my way to the bathroom to scrub the blood from my Pjs before I had to throw them into the bin too.

After my "morning" routine, I went into the kitchen to grab something to eat, but when I opened the fridge there was nothing in it but a few bottles of water and two tomatoes.

Sighing, I made my way to the door, fetched my keys and went outside to the nearest supermarket.

~o0O0o~

30 minutes later, I exited the shop with two heavy bags in my arms. And in my hurry to get something to eat I forgot to drive here by car so I had to carry them all the way home.

_Ugh! I just hate grocery shopping!_

It was already dark outside, the coldness of winter slowly seeping into my bones. I tucked my chin deeper into my scarf and began walking home. I took a short cut through a little alleyway to my apartment, my arms beginning to hurt from the weight of the bags.

As I got deeper into the alley, it seemed like the noise of the street got lower and lower, until I couldn't hear anything at all anymore.

Pressing the bags harder against me, I began to jog, somehow scared of the soundlessness that you normally couldn't hear in a city as big as New York.

Suddenly there was a noise, like claws scratching against a brickwall but as I turned around there was nothing there. _God I'm really getting paranoid now. Pull yourself together! There's nothi-_

Something sprang on my back, sending me face down onto the pavement, the bags flying out of my arms as I fell.

My vision was blurry as I slowly got up on my feet, blood dripping down my left temple.

The thing was hideous. So utterly disgusting that I nearly had to gag on his clawed and ugly feet.

"Pretty little downworlder, what're you doing out here all alone?" It laughed as it slowly backed me against a wall.

I wasn't able to do anything as it got closer and closer to me, my mind blank from fear of the demon in front of me.

It liked its lips as it saw the blood on my forehead, suddenly right in front of me and gripping my face between its claws.

The only thing I was relieved about was that demons didn't really want anything than blood or flesh, or both so I at least didn't have to endure the pain of changing while it raked its claws slowly down my cheeks, the scratches drawing a little more blood.

I whimpered as it scratched its way down to my hips, but as its talons went under the waistband of my jeans I suddenly sprang into action and kicked it in its stomach and away from me.

I began to ran, as fast as I never ran before but I heard it screaming behind me.

"I'm going to kill you slowly now"

And with that it sprang at me. Making me fall to the ground again and turned me around so it could look me in the eyes.

"I'll make you suffer before you die little shapeshifter."

It wiggled its claws in front of me, demon poison slowly seeping out of its pikes and thrust it into my stomach.

. . .

. . .

. . .

Pain.

There was nothing else than horrible, unbearable pain.

I screamed, but it was muffled by its claw on my mouth then, the other in mid air, ready to pierce me again. I squeezed my eyes shut, waiting for the blow but suddenly the demon was thrown off me into the nearest stonewall.

I couldn't see anything that was happening through the darkness and pain, only a bright shining blade and the screams of the demon as it was pierced with it and finally dissolved back into its dimension.

I moaned, pressing my hands against my wound to stop the blood from getting out but it only made it hurt even more.

The man with the glowing blade came closer, and I scrambled away from him, afraid he'd touch me.

"Don't touch me!" I gritted out but he got on his knees beside me and wiped the blood away from my head with his – thank god - gloved hand.

"I'm not going to hurt you" he said, his soft voice relaxing me, as far as one can relax with a hole in his abdomen.

I nodded, closing my eyes as he scooped me up in his strong, warm arms and the last thing I heard was his voice whispering something about an institute and how I had to keep my eyes open, but it just was too much.

I drifted in and out of consciousness, the only thing that held me here were his arms and the rhythmic beating of his heart.

Suddenly warmth hit my ice cold skin, and while I wondered how I could even feel something at all anymore besides the numbness, he laid me down on a bed, behind him a man who seemed to... glow as if he'd fallen in his mothers glitterbox.

"What happened?" I heard him ask but the blond boy answered for me.

"demon attacked her on the streets. That damn thing poisoned her." God, his voice was just so … beautiful, even when he sounded angry.

I smiled, half delirious until I felt a pair of hands rip my shirt away and press against my wound.

"No, please NO" I sobbed, trying to slap the hands away.

"Stop, he's going to heal you, he won't hurt you" the boy said again. And held me down by my shoulders, his hands still covered with fabric.

"You don't understand, I'm not hum-"

I sucked in a shuddering breath, my eyes widening as I felt the familiar pain shooting down my spine into my arms and legs.

And then, I was on fire.

I screamed, the sound nearly ripping my ears apart but I couldn't care less about it.

My bones began to scrunch, I could feel each and every one of them breaking.

I tried to get out of their grip but they wouldn't let me go, they were never going to let me go. . .

slowly, the pain began to fade,my breathing began to even out, my vision getting darker and darker as the seconds ticked by, the two men in the room shell shocked at what they saw.

"Camille?" the glittering man asked, eyes wide.

I smiled a pained, exhausted smile.

"I told you not to touch me."

and with that, I fell into blackness.

**Soooo, I've done it, after like... 100 of hours of considering if I should upload this or not but in the end my curiosity got the better of me :D **

**Please tell me if there are any HUGE grammatical mistakes, because my mother tongue is German and I want to improve my English xD**

**I hope it wasn't too bad for my first chapter and hope to get a view reviews ;D**

**Put please only constructive criticism, my ego is not at its best at the moment !**

_SBT_.


	2. Chapter 2

**Sooo I know it's been like 2000 years or so and I'm really, truly sorry! **

**I just wasn't really inspired lately and it took like 3 days to write this and I'm still not happy about this chapter. . .It's kinda lame, but you'll live :D**

**I don't own anything yadda, yadda, yadda ^^**

**Chapter 2**

**JPOV**

It's been 2 days and 17 hours since I found her. 2 days and 17 hours since I left this room. Because I'm afraid she might die if I leave her.

I don't even know why I'm scared of her dying. I don't even know her.

Maybe I'm just curious. Curious who – or better _what _she is.

Curious of the story behind the scars that cover nearly her entire body.

Magnus told me he once knew someone who had the "ability" to change, but only if she wanted to, not because somebody was _touching_ her.

I squeezed her cold hand one more time and whispered in her ear. "I hope you'll wake up". Sighing, I stood up and went out the door.

**CPOV**

It was dark when I woke up.

At first I didn't know where I was or what happened before it came all back to me.

_Claws raking across my skin, poison burning a hole in my stomach._

_A glowing blade. Warm hands. _

_Gold._

_The pain of changing, shocked gasps and voices I didn't recognize._

"Shit" I groaned and sat up in bed.

Cold air bit against my bare skin.

_Perfect! I'm naked. I bet they saw my scars, too. . ._

I had to get out of here before they asked me about my. . .past. Because I couldn't tell anyone about it without breaking apart again.

I looked around the room until my eyes landed on a pair of jeans and some kind of shirt.

A few tears leaked out of my eyes while I struggled to put them on because my whole body hurt like someone ripped me into pieces and glued me back together with tape.

After that I fell back on the soft mattress until my breathing evened out and I was able to stand.

I searched the desk for paper and scribbled a big "Thank You" on it, laid it on the pillows and left the room.

**JPOV**

After 2 Hours of walking aimlessly through the night I stood in front of the institute again.

My breath came out in white puffs, a little cloud against the pitch black night sky.

I seemed to be drawn back here. To the room where the girl lay asleep.

The doors of the institute opened and a tiny figure walked out. I couldn't make out who it was until I saw a flash of red under a nearby streetlight.

"HEY" I yelled.

Her head whipped in my direction before she turned and sprinted away from me.

She held her belly while she ran into Central park and got slower with each step she took.

_Stupid girl, her wound must be killing her..._

She rounded a corner and simply vanished. I felt panic rising in my throat as I saw little droplets of blood on the ground and followed them.

The girl sat on a bench, her arms hugging her belly and her knees drawn to her chest. She barely contained her pained moans and pressed her hands harder against her stomach.

Her red hair matched the blood coming out between her trembling hands.

I bent forward and slid my hands under her knees to lift her off the bench but she shied away from my hands.

"Please don't. Please don't touch me." she sobbed.

"I won't hurt you." I soothed her. " I even wear gloves so I won't touch you directly. Please let me help you."

she shuddered and looked up, her green eyes piercing mine.

"They hurt me. Hundreds of times, they hurt me and enjoyed it."

_That's where she got that scars from._

Somehow I got so angry at this, that I had to swallow hard to not let her see my anger. I didn't need her to be more scared of me than she already was.

"But I won't. I swear to the angel I will not hurt you, okay? Please, you're bleeding out. Just trust me."

She stared at me for a few seconds until she spoke:

"Okay".

She still was scared but I couldn't care less at the moment.

Sliding my arms under her knees once more, I scooped her up and pressed her freezing body to mine.

"Izzy won't be happy that you bled on her clothes." I smiled a little bit to reassure her that I was just joking but she got stiff in my arms.

"Who's Izzy" she asked me softly while I carrried her back to the institute.

"My sister. Well, sort of. I've lived with her long enough to call her that."

"Where are your parents?" It was my part to stiffen. I normally didn't talk about them, not even to Izzy and Alec but somehow this girl got me to tell her things I never told anyone.

"They died when I was ten. I've lived with the lightwoods ever since." I didn't look at her. The doors opened and I pressed the elevator button.

"I'm sorry." her voice was barely there anymore.

_I hope Magnus is here. _

"It's okay." I smiled slightly.

The elevator came to a stop in front of – Thank the Angel – Alec and Magnus.

"What happened" the warlock asked as we walked into the infirmary and I laid her down on one of the beds. She was nearly unconscious by now, but her hands fisted my jacket hard when I tried to lay her down.

"Don't go." she breathed and I kneeled beside her and let her hold my hand while Magnus pried the bloody shirt from her stomach.

"I don't know how to treat her if I can't touch her." he sighed.

"Alec could you bring him gloves or something? She just can't be touched with bare hands. At least I think so."

She nodded slightly and turned her head in my direction to look at me.

Alec came back with the gloves and bandaged her up while Magnus closed the wound from the inside.

She just squeezed her eyes shut and grabbed my hand harder.

After they finished they went out without another word and closed the door.

I tugged her under the bed sheets and laid down on the bed next to her.

She smiled and exhausted smile and it was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen.

"Please don't run away again." I sighed and closed my eyes, sleep slowly taking over my body.

"I won't" she breathed. "Goodnight. . ." she looked at me questioningly.

"I'm Jace."

"Clary." she smiled once again. "Goodnight Jace."

"Goodnight Clary."

**Please don't be mad at me and – even though I don't deserve it – review please.**

**Would somebody be interested in betaing ? I have the feeling that there are a lot of mistakes in this chapter !**

**What should happen next ? You have to help me out a little. **

**I know were this story is going and all but I still need more inspiration :)**

**Love you all**

**~SBT**


	3. Chapter 3

Hello, loveys, I hope one or two people are still reading this… I could kick myself for being such an assclown in uploading but I can't force myself to write if my head doesn't want to n.n So, to apologize to you all I made and extra long chapter for you (: Enjoy and if you could leave a review to show me that there are still people reading this I'd be very happy (:

Chapter 3

Morning light filters softly through the dirt smeared windows, illuminating the infirmary beds, as well as the sleeping boy on top of one of them. I blink, adjusting to the soft golden glow the upcoming sun provides. My stomach still hurts. A lot. I try not to breathe through my stomach to not aggravate the wound any further and distract myself with eyeballing Jace; who'd picked me up the street, bleeding, twice already.  
His hair is tousled; a few strands hanging over his forehead into his closed eyes, and after years and years of avoiding any form of physical contact with someone, my fingers are itching to swipe the golden curls from his forehead. _Huh._ He kind of looks familiar.  
The look suits him though. He looks younger, unconcerned, the anger and hardness I saw the few precious moments I wasn't comatose are gone from his face. He looks peaceful. I can't imagine him slaying demons for a living looking like that. 

Yes, the Nephilim are not unknown to me. I've encountered a few of them, though I've always been told to steer clear of them- at least when I was young. Stories about the ruthless, demon-hating Shadowhunters cursed through the Downworld when I was not even half the age I am now, even though these stories have always been my favorite to hear. 11 years ago they even saved my life. _Saved your life from their own people_

_Stop!_ I think. _Don't go there, not now._

Thankfully Jace stirs exactly at this moment, stopping my train of thought. His arm falls from the mattress and momentarily grazes mine. The contact is so sudden and intense, I squeak, snatch my hand back and sit up forcefully, completely forgetting my not-so-healthy stomach.

"Shit!" I moan and clutch at my injury. I press my eyes closed and will the tears down that threaten to spill over my cheeks, panting. The sheets beside me rustle and a sleep laden but none the less alert voice asks me "What's wrong?"

"I sat up too fast", I press through my teeth and try to even my breathing, though failing miserably.  
"Should I get Magnus?" He's concerned. That distracts me from the pain for a split second. Must be the sparkling guy who's been healing me.

"No, it's fine, just give me a minute."

_Come on Clary, breathe , you've gone throu__gh worse pain than that.__  
_My subconscious scolds me and I take in a sharp breath as I'm reminded of what happened years ago.

"You okay?" Jace asks again and I will my eyes open to look at him. Breathing deeply in for one last time and releasing the air, I nod and force a smile, though I bet it looks more like I ate something bad or saw something really disgusting.

"Good morning" I wheeze out, the pain slowly subsiding to a dull throb in my abdomen.

"Morning." He doesn't look convinced but sighs and lets it slide.

"Sorry I woke you." I say, suddenly slightly uncomfortable in his presence.

"It's no big deal, I usually don't let myself sleep that long anyway." He frowns, as if sleeping-in is something worth being punished for.

"You must be hungry, you've been sleeping for nearly 3 days, except that one hour you tried to run away from here." His gaze darkens, as if my running away insulted him personally.

"I don't think my stomach would appreciate me eating right now" I mutter, not hungry at all.

"Bullshit. Come on, I'll take you to Takis." Grinning, he stands and stretches, his shirt riding up, so that his very, _very _sculptured lower abdomen peeks out from under it, and I marvel at him, without noticing.

"See something you like?" he smirks, and I blush furiously. _Yes, I like it. Very much._

But out loud I say, trying to distract him "What's Takis?"

"The place where you'll experience your very first _Pancakegasm_" He laughs, opens the door and heads out.

"You got 15 minutes to get ready, or I'll come in, whether you're naked or not" Grinning, he looks at me over his shoulder to see my face the color of my hair. Again.

Stupefied I stare at him as he walks out and closes the door behind him.

I feel reborn after I finish my shower. Not being full of dried blood kinda feels amazing. The moment I pull my shirt over my head the door flies open and Jace walks in, as if he owns the place.

"You could knock, you know?" annoyed, I smooth the fabric over my scarred tummy. Jaces' eyes widen a fraction as he catches a glimpse of my violated skin and averts his eyes quickly. Something flickers in his face, some kind of emotion, but before I can place what exactly it is that he feels, he composes himself and smirks.

"Told you I'd be coming in after 15 minutes sweetheart, and you were dressed anyway so no need to be so rude"

_Oh Angel, give me patience please_, I pray, ignoring his "smart" remark.

"Are we going to that place you just told me about now or what?"

And here I thought he was a decent person.

"Eager are we? Well then come along young Shapeshifter" I snort. "What?" he asks me as we make our way down the long corridor. "Nothing, nothing. Just your choice of adjectives is rather… unfitting." He looks at me quizzically. "Well, you don't really look old to me. 17 tops." In what world did he grow up again?  
"Jace, you grew up in a world of never aging creatures and yet you act as if you'd never seen one before. Don't you have a Tutor here who teaches you things like that?" We turn a corner and head toward an elevator. He's silent for a few heartbeats before asking silently, cautious. "How old are you then?"  
I stand and look at him. He's tense. "I turned 100 last month."

"_What?" _

_Why did I tell him, why did I tell him? I never told anyone before. _

A short, hot wave of anger shoots through me. _That's why you have to keep your mouth shut, stupid. Your fault if he starts asking questions now. _

Turning away from him, I make my way to the elevator, thought the minute I see the people standing in front of it I run back and behind Jace, to shield myself from their view.

"There are more of you here?" I whisper, failing to conceal my fear from him.

"Of course there are." He snaps, though I don't know why exactly, flinch and once again stop walking.

_Don't be scared. Don't be scared. Don't be scared dammit!_

"Hey, sorry I didn't mean to-" His arm is outstretched, toward me, his face set in a frown. I instinctively take a step back and stare at his hand, a few inches away from my – thank god – clad shoulder.

Jace's frown deepens before he realizes what he was about to do and rakes his hand through his hair.

"Sorry, I forgot." He looks like he means it. I just nod and release a sigh.

"It's okay, just-"

"J_ACE_, what's taking you so long, I'm starving!" Yells a feminine, _very_ pissed of voice and I'm instantly scared again.

"Don't be scared." Jace murmurs, quietly, his gaze softening for a second. I swear I saw his hand twitch beside him.

He lets out an exasperated sigh when he turns to face the two people at the end of the hall and yells back "I thought you were still stuffed from the poor boys soul you threw out this morning!"

We come to a halt, and the two glare at each other hatefully, while the other boy – probably the girls brother – looks simply annoyed.

"If I were you I might not go to sleep for a while, because maybe you'll find your ice chunk of a heart ripped out _Jonathan" _she lashes out, downright furious now.

"At least I have one." _Oh, he should not have said that. _

The girl takes a step toward him, her hands balled into shaking fists.

I didn't even notice that I had taken a few steps back, trying to get away from her.

_-You don't want to make us angry little Shapeshifter, we Shadowhunters tend to quickly lose our temper-_

I squeak, forcing myself to suppress the memory and the spell between the two breaks, the girls eyes landing on me.

"Oh hello, didn't see you there sweetie, I'm Isabelle and you are?" Isabelle holds her hand out to shake mine and I take another two hasty steps back, until my back is pressed against the cold wall.

"Umm, Clary you don't have to be scared of her, she's normally a pretty decent person." He tries to reassure me, and it's kind of working. He wouldn't take me out with people who meant harm, would he?

"I'm- I'm Clary." I say, clearing my throat, still staring at her outstretched hand.

"Izzy, put your hand down."

"But why-"

"_Izzy. _Just leave it okay?" I'm taken aback by the protectiveness in his voice.

"Fine." She huffs and strides into the elevator, Jace and the other boy following her. I scurry after him, scared of being near the others, scared of being alone and somehow scared to be without his comforting presence beside me. Though I don't really want to admit it.

The ride up is quiet, with the occasional sideways glance at me from Isabelle and the other guy, who hasn't said a word to me yet. I stare at my hands, the back of Jaces' head, my shoes, the wall, everywhere else but in Isabelle's eyes. Finally the doors open and we head out the big oak doors I came across the last time I was conscious. The other two walked ahead of us, though I suspect they didn't want to freak me out more than I already was.

"Sooo, I guess belated happy birthday?" he's raising a brow in question and I mumble a quick thank you, hiding my smile behind my curls. The following silence is mostly comfortable, if Jace would've stopped staring at me with his intense, ridiculously handsome gaze.

"What is it?" I ask, irritated.

"I was just wondering if you are that frightened only of us Nephilim or people in general." I don't look at him. Normally I would've snapped that it wasn't his or – for that matter - anyone's business but. . .Somehow he made want to talk. I pressed my lips together for a second, contemplating if I should tell him _something _or not. My mouth is faster than my brain though.

"You saw my scars."

"Nephilim did this to you?" his voice is strained, as if it pains him to hear that his own people would hurt me.

"They killed Downworlders before, you know. When- The accords weren't even in discussion when they…" I gulp and fall silent again.

"They tried to kill you?" He whispers, horrified.

"Not in the beginning, no."

"Not in the beginning? Are you telling me they tort-"

"_Can we please stop talking about this now!" _I burst out, my breathing frantic. I hate to remember. Actually I avoided this topic for about 43 years now and bringing it up still made me quake in my shoes. Unconsciously I rub one of my deepest scars on my tummy and walk ahead of Jace. There are things in this world you can't just simply talk about, especially when you're on your way to eat Pancakes. Or ever, for that matter.

He catches up to me in a matter of seconds, his long stride outweighing my short one.

"Stop doing that!"

"Stop doing what, Jace?" I wonder if he's some sort of schizo, his mood changes more often than the advertisements on time square.

"Stop running away! I'm not going to hurt you" Why is he so angry all of a sudden? I try to soothe him somehow.

"I didn't think you would."

"Then stop acting like you think I would." He snaps. "Okay." I breathe out and let my hair fall sideways so that it's shielded from his penetrating stare. We walk in silence for a while. Isabelle turns around every few minutes to stare at us and I swear I can see a sliver of – what? – Confusion? In her face, though every time I try to analyze her expression she turns her head away. They walk into a small restaurant, the name Taki's written over its front door, barely recognizable because the wall seems to dissolve under the faded black paint. Izzy waits for us at the open door, while the other one searches for a place to sit.

"Clary, wait." We stop a few feet away from the girl; though I'm sure she can hear us anyway, with her super angel powers or whatever it is that makes them so strong.

"What is it Jace?" My stomach growls as a waft of deliciously smelling air hits me through the open door of the bistro. _I didn't even notice I was this hungry._

"I'm sorry I snapped at you, but you need to learn to trust me, okay?"

"And why would I need to do that?" I ask him while continuing our way to the booth the black-haired guy chose to sit in. It's not as if I was going to stay with them any longer. It's better to not be seen with people from the other world. Or people in general.

"Because I'm not going to let you out of my sight for a second time" He grins and sits, his mood lifting as he sees my jaw drop to the dirty floor in front of him.

_What the hell?_

"Jace, I'm old enough to take care of myself, _thankyouverymuch_" He laughs at that. He's goddamn laughing at me!

"Sure, it isn't as if I found you on the streets, bleeding to death through a huge gash in your stomach _thankYOUverymuch. _But, polite as I am I'm going to let you choose. Either I'm moving in with you _or _you're moving into the Institute with my glorious self, Izzy and Alec."

I would have liked to argue with him, but the moment we sat down with the other two, every word I wanted to say died on my lips. It's not like I truly trusted Jace, but after he worked his ass off to keep me alive I started to believe that he at least doesn't want to kill me. Nothing more, nothing less. I couldn't say that about the others.

The waitress – after shamelessly eyefucking Jace – took our orders, and before I could muster up the courage to open my mouth, Jace ordered some coconut Pancakes for me. I silently thanked him and stared at my fisted hands on my lap, not daring to look anyone in the eye.

If they noticed my discomfort, they politely ignored it and started talking about stuff I didn't even understand one syllable of. Demons and weapons and hunting plans and the like. I let my mind wander, out of the restaurant and to my tiny apartment I came to love over the last 2 years. I kind of missed being alone. I wasn't used to have company or even talk to someone anymore, though it was nice to have someone around you, even someone as arrogant as Jace.

"Clary?" He snapped me out of my thoughts.

"huh?" I mumbled out.

"Did you make your decision?"

_Oh._ I really thought he was joking. Or hoped. I stared at the siblings nervously before forcing out.

"Can I talk to you outside?" _Please, please, please! I can't talk in front of them._

"Sure." He stood and I scrambled after him, the confused looks of Izzy and her brother hot on my neck.

"So your place or mine?" grinning, he turned around to face me. He obviously didn't get how I certainly wouldn't move in with either of them, or let him move in with me.

"Absolutely not. After this I'm going to go home and you will neither follow me nor drag me back to that rundown church you call home." I tried to look stern, though I doubt he noticed.

"And why the hell not?" letting out and exasperated sigh, he rakes a hand through his hair and stares at me with those unbelievably golden eyes of his.

"Because."

"That's not an answer, Clary." _Is h__e deliberately trying to make me mad?_

"I don't have to answer you anything!" Why won't he just leave me alone? What does he even care about me?

"Of course you do! Why should I just let you leave without giving me a good reason?"

"_Because the last friend I __had got killed because he was near me! They tortured him because they wanted to know where I was hiding and when they didn't get anything out of him they just chopped his goddamn head of!" _I was screaming but I didn't care. Memories of that day flashed before my eyes. The day I found the mutilated body of my longest and only friend, Simon. We met in Prague in the 20's, where he pushed me off the road before I could get run over by a car. Ever since then we've been best friends. He's been the only vampire sunlight couldn't harm. We lived together for about 20 years before they started chasing me and because he got in their way, they killed him. Just like that.

"Hey," a soft touch to my shoulder brought me forcefully back to the 21th century and I instinctively drew back, concerned golden eyes hardening by my reaction.

"I-" drawing in a shuddering breath, I shook off the feeling of a hundred years' worth of loneliness and squared my shoulders.

"I should go." Why did it feel like I didn't really want to, though?

"No, Clary please-" He tried to argue but I already started walking.

"I'm sorry." I started running, hoping he wouldn't come after me, for one because I didn't have a chance against his long stride and for the other I didn't know if I could muster up the strength to leave again. My stomach protested but I ignored the stinging pain and urged my feet to go faster, without knowing where I was even going. When I saw stairs leading down to a subway station I heard his voice shouting my name, pleading me to wait. I dashed down the stairs, nearly falling over the last two and jumped into the open doors of the – thank god – waiting train. The doors closed behind me before the subway started backing out of the station, and when I turned around I saw Jace standing there, staring at me as though I just stole the most precious thing he ever owned. A mix of anger, frustration and desperation washed over his face and I tried to apologize to him through my eyes. _I'm sorry, but you're better off without me._

_Shit._ I leaned my forehead against the cool glass and closed my eyes. _Why did he have to look at me like that? _ I feel like I hurt him somehow, though I don't really get why he would even care where I was. It wasn't as if we knew each other, really.

_Just forget him. _

I didn't know if I would be able to forget him just like that. It's been a long time since I had company, especially as interesting as him. _And pretty. _

"Gaaah!" I huffed out. People turned to look at me strangely and I averted my eyes. The train came to a halt and I got out, trying to avoid the arms and legs brushing against me, though it was pretty much useless. There were too many people and too little space in New York to avoid physical contact, and I gulped down my uneasiness at the undesired contact.

_Where am I anyway? _Walking out of the station I looked at the street sign and heaved out a relieved sigh. Just four blocks away from my apartment, thank god.

20 minutes later I fell on my bed and yet I didn't feel the usual calm wash over me whenever I was back in my own little save haven.  
_I need a distraction. Badly._ Getting up I walked the 2 inches from my bed to my fridge and opened it, to find it still empty.

"you must be kidding me." I mumbled, closed the door and threw myself back on my bed.

_Ok, sleep it is then. _The covers felt comforting as I snuggled into them, though I couldn't seem to shake the sadness of "finally" being alone again off of me and with that though in my mind, I fell into a restless sleep, my dreams filled with hundred different shades of gold.

oOWydmOo

"_Clary!" He was screaming my name, over and over and over again. I run as fast as I can, but no matter how hard I try I never get to that half open door, never get to his desperate voice, never get to see him before I hear the hard thump of something heavy falling to the floor. The thumping noise gets louder and more persistent, the door knob excruciatingly close to my outstretched fingers and the light filtering through the small opening lighter and lighter and then-_

I'm thrown back into reality by insistent and hard knocks against my door. I gulp down the fear of the remainders of my dream, and hesitantly walk towards the door.

"Who's there?" I croak, my voice still heavy with sleep.

"Just open the damn door!"I didn't even pause, opened the door and flung my arms around him, his desperate screams from my dream echoing in my head like some sort of torturous melody. His arms went around me instantly, though he didn't touch any bare skin. It felt nice to be in his arms- no, actually it felt as though someone had cut off my vital air supply until I was on the verge of suffocating and only in his embrace could I breathe properly again. I felt my eyes tear up at the realization that I liked him more than I thought. Or should.

"You're okay." My voice is muffled against the cool leather of his jacket, and I press my head further against his chest, not wanting to let him go.

"What's wrong?" He speaks so softly it damn near makes me cry, but I stifle the urge to sob out loudly and instead let them fall silently on his worn out leather Jacket, where they roll off and fall to the floor.

"You were screaming for me and I couldn't get to you and then I heard- I heard your- God, you're really okay."

And then it hit me. Why he looked so familiar this morning. Why I felt comfortable with him like I haven't felt with anyone in at least 20years. He was the boy in my dream before I got attacked. It hadn't been a dream. I had had some sort of prevision. The gash in my stomach, me changing, Jace touching my bare shoulder and making me change back into my own body, the pain, his sad smile. . .

"Oh God." My hand went over my mouth and I took a step back, my eyes fixated on his face.

_What If this dream was no dream, too, but some sort of forecast?_

"Clary?" I confused him with my behavior again.

"You- I've known you before you saved me from that demon. You were in my dream and you were touching me and then you just vanished and this huge gash appeared on my stomach and I woke up every night with blood on my sheets and a scar on my stomach where the demon got me and I-"

"Shh, calm down Plea-"

"No! How can I calm down when I just dreamt that you were killed and that the last dream I had of you came true and I can't let-"

"_Clary!" _I instantly fell silent. He stared at me for a moment, examining the tear tracks running down my cheeks, and his hands twitched, as if he wanted to wipe them away.

"Nothing's going to happen okay? I won't let anything hurt you again, I promise."

I smile sadly while wiping the tears from my face, though a new wave of them spilled over my cheeks because of what he said. _He cares about me. _

"It's not me I'm worried about Jace."

"But you should." Silence engulfed us for a few moments.

"How did you even find me?"

"I made Magnus track you down." He waved me off impatiently. "I swear to the Angel if you run away one more time I'll tie you down and lock you up, though, do you understand? I'll find you again anyway so don't even try to." He's angry with me but I'm not scared of him.

"Okay." I whisper and watch his mouth fall open. He didn't think I'd just relent like that, but I see no point in running when he'll track me down and find me again. _And I don't really want to leave him again. _

Suddenly I feel as if I haven't slept in a decade. I let myself fall back down on the soft mattress and yawn.

"Can I move in tomorrow though? I'm really tired and my stomach is killing me." Squinting up at him, I see the tenseness left his shoulders and he's looking calm again.

"Sure, I'll come by tomo-"

"No! Don't go please!" Fear creeps back into my voice and instead of answering he gestures for me to make room on the bed for him and slides in smoothly beside me.

"Better?" he whispers.

"Yes." My heart is beating so hard I wonder if he can hear it. I close my eyes and drown in the warmth his body provides until I'm nearly asleep, but not before he breathes "Don't run away again please."

"I promise." Then sleep pulls me under.

Good? Bad? Confusing?

Tell me what you think please & _**REVIEW!**_ I know I don't deserve them but I'd really appreciate it (:

Love & rockets

~SBT


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